Saw her again-last night. It was actually the first dream I had with her in it. I swear it was the most vivid dream I’d ever had. I hadn’t had a dream in quite a while, so I guess it was a pretty special occasion. We were in a modern boutique, and she was trying on some clothes. She got to this nice white T shirt with an abstract design on it, which she’s paired with some tight jeans and boots. “How’s this?” she said while looking at me in the wide mirror. “Looking amazing, darling!” I said. I was the most relaxed I’d ever been. I’d give anything to go back and savor that peace of mind just once more. But it wasn’t just that; she was with me-happy…. She made her choice, and was ready to head for checkout. I come stand by her side, pulling her toward myself and put my hand on her shoulder. It was a moment for me! We both look at us in the mirror. “I love you…” I say; she’s looking at me like I’m all she has on earth. And then I become self-conscious right then in the dream, realizing she was never mine…. I wake up, on the verge of crying.
There are times when you let go of an old feeling. Old feelings are usually a part of your identity, so it’s pretty hard to let go. But you have to, it’s the right thing. So you let go, and try to forget. You get on with the rest of your life like nothing’s happened. But right when you’re 100% sure you’ve gotten rid of the feeling, your heart comes back knocking on the door trying to remind you how you’d be if you were the one you wanted to be. It’s not how real life works, I know. But it’s what your heart wants. When you let go of that feeling you ignore your heart, so I guess even your heart has a way of fighting the mind, when you the mind overrides it. It was what happened. My mind was in an unfair fight with my heart, but my heart had already won although it was ignored.
(December 5, 2013)